What to Do When You Compare Your Spouse to Others
I didn't even know comparing your husband was a thing, until I got a hubby! Before that, I'd only ever compared myself to others or past versions of myself. When I was single, I just thought I'd be perfectly content with the husband the Lord would eventually gift to me. Never did it cross my mind that I'd one day be discontent with a husband, not back when I longed to just have a husband.
Sure enough, though, comparison started to creep into my mind once I was a Mrs. Why didn't he dress like that husband? Why didn’t he act like her husband did at parties or at church? Why didn't he like to go cross country skiing with me, like my best friend's husband did with her? On and on and on the list went. And, because I didn't do much to counter these harmful comparison thoughts, they only festered and multiplied. It was a dangerous thought life to have.
I even started comparing my husband to strangers at stores. "I bet that husband never does x, y or z," I'd think as I watched a couple ahead of me at Costco. Looking back, that was just CRAZY! I had zero insight into these people’s lives, yet I was picturing perfect characteristics of them and then unfairly holding my own husband up to that perfection illusion. So bad, and so unjust!
Finally, I booked a counseling appointment. These comparison thoughts were consuming me. I was frequently getting upset with my husband because of the thoughts that were leading to bitterness, resentment and the opposite of joy. He was so confused at my anger, totally unaware of my thoughts about him. My marriage wasn't a happy place, mostly because of me and my unchecked thoughts.
Side note: did you know Focus on the Family offers a one-time, free counseling session? That’s what I did, and I’m so thankful they arrange for you to talk with a trained professional who is also a Christian. Visit their website linked at the bottom of this post to learn more and book a session today. Counseling is not a weak thing. It’s helpful, strong, brave and wise.
I'll never forget what the woman on my phone counseling session said to me. "Nyla, comparison is an indicator you are believing a lie." I'd just disclosed that I'd been struggling with comparing my marriage to my best friend’s marriage.
"So, what is the lie you are believing about your friend's marriage?"
I thought for a moment. "Maybe that her marriage is perfect?"
"And has she ever shared with you moments that were not perfect in her relationship with her husband?"
"Yes." Countless times during heart-to-hearts my friend had shared hard things they were going through as a couple.
Another counselor I saw later asked me why I fell in love with my husband in the first place.
My answer came quickly, "Because he was different from all the other guys I'd dated."
This time the session was over Zoom, and the counselor smiled on the screen. "So, why is it suddenly a bad thing that he is different from other guys when that's what drew you to him in the first place?"
Mic drop moment if there ever was one! Whoa!
Through counseling, I learned to be on the lookout for the things I did like in my husband. I'd been so caught up in looking for things I didn't like and, in the process, I was starting to ignore the things I really did love about him. Some girls were still praying for a husband and here I was totally missing the blessings of having one, focusing on all the wrong things about him. Comparison truly is the best way to NOT enjoy your unique life! It robs you of noticing the good your life does have, even if it's different from someone else's life.
After that particular video counseling session, I went on the deck with a notebook and listed the qualities I was glad my husband had. To my surprise, the list just kept getting longer and longer! From then on, I made it a practice each day to list three things I liked about my husband. Sometimes I tell him, but mostly I just keep it to myself and let my more positive interactions with him be a testament to my internal thanksgiving about him each day.
I list in my head things like, “I’m sure glad he is such a loyal husband. I love how when I’m sick, he looks so sad for me. He really does care about me. I’m so glad he laughed at that corny joke I said today! It’s a gift to find each other funny. And, he worded his feedback for me about supper so thoughtfully …. ”
I also stopped letting myself play the "What would it be like to be married to someone else?" game in my mind. Whenever I'd played that game before, I pictured myself married to a perfect guy — which does NOT exist. I refuse to imagine now what life would be like if I'd married other guys I’d dated. There was a reason we broke up!
Being married to another guy would just bring about a different set of obstacles, and some things I really appreciate about my marriage might not be in a different marriage. Not all guys know how to fix cars or computers like my man does. Not all guys are so fiercely good at listening or in managing finances, but mine is!
When I feel let down by my husband, I'm training my thoughts to go to the only perfect groom there is: God. When my husband doesn't say the right thing, I go to the Bible. God always knows the right thing to say to my emotional self. When my husband doesn't do what I want him to do, I look to God to fill in the gaps where the husband fell short.
Looking to God to be a perfect groom takes unfair pressure off a human husband to be perfect. I realized I had unrealistic expectations for my husband to say and do everything perfectly. Having high standards is great, but unrealistic expectations, not so great. I encourage you to ask God to reveal where you may have unrealistic expectations for your husband. Or, if you’re not married, maybe ask him to reveal where you’ve been comparing other relationships, whether it’s a parent, a friend or someone else in your life. Be willing to hear the correction! Only good will come from it, for you and your loved one.
Friends, I pray you heard the Lord speaking to you through this vulnerable blog post. I share what God has taught me on this subject in hopes that it will bring healing to another woman’s thought life when it comes to her husband.
If you take one thing away from today’s post, I hope it’s the power of thankfulness. Truly, thankfulness is a force, a weapon, a gift from God for us to use to better our lives. When comparison thoughts come about your spouse, counter them with an item of thanks. “He might not know how to put his dirty dishes away, BUT I’m glad he knows computers and helps me with technology!” Always end with a good taste in your mouth about your man. Let the last thing you hear in your thoughts be something positive, something thankful about him, something you’d miss if he didn’t possess it.
If you enjoyed this post, head over to my podcast, ‘“Her Holy Hustle,” where I and two of the other blog writers (Hey, Alicia and Kinsley!) have a powerful conversation about comparison. We dive into comparison of our bodies, life timelines, our past or future "perfect" selves, and our spouses. We are all advocates of counseling, and share some advice we've received over the years about comparison. Listen to the podcast episode here!
If you’d like to hang out with me (Nyla) on IG, you can do so here!
And, if you like how I chat about life, you can visit my website to learn more about working with me as your Certified Christian Life Coach!
And, one more thing! Follow this link for the info on booking a complimentary counseling session with Focus on the Family. Booking a session can be life changing, marriage saving even.