Have You Lost You?
Comparison is honestly the worst. I hate it. Don’t you?
I wish it was something we could collectively determine, because it sucks and doesn’t help anyone, that it could just go away forever and we’d never struggle with it again.
Wouldn’t that be nice?
Sometimes when I’m journaling and talking with Jesus about areas where I’m struggling, I write out my wishes like that.
I wish I didn’t struggle with comparison.
I wish I didn’t compare myself to her.
I wish I could get opportunities like him.
I wish I had a relationship like them.
I wish I had a mom like that.
I wish I was her.
As if God was my personal genie to grant my wishes, I write out my desires in the phrasing of a prayer and go on with my day, temporarily feeling better by the imagining away of my current life and circumstances.
There’s a scene in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis (a book and film his The Chronicles of Narnia series) that makes me want to weep. Lucy, the youngest sibling, and the reason any of them go to Narnia, has been struggling with comparison toward her older sister, Susan. Lucy wishes to be like Susan and wakes up to find her wish granted. You can see the joy on her face when she sees herself as Susan, as well as the pride she feels when her brothers compliment her. The feelings change as she panics with the realization of all that her wish entailed. After Lucy wakes up from this dream, Aslan appears to her:
“Lucy… What have you done, child?”
“I don’t know,” she replies, “That was awful.”
“But you chose it, Lucy.”
“I didn’t mean to choose all of that. I just wanted to be beautiful like Susan… that’s all,” she whispers.
“You wished yourself away and with it, much more. Your brothers and sisters wouldn’t know Narnia without you, Lucy. You discovered it first, remember? You doubt your value. Don’t run from who you are.”
With each wish to be like someone else, or have what someone else has, I limit and diminish who I am and what I have. You’ve heard it said before: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” However, I would simplify it and say only, “Comparison is the thief.” Its only ability is to take… and the cost is high.
1. Comparison takes what might be true and expands it until it is all you see.
The thing about comparison is it cannot be all-encompassing. You don’t know every moment of her life or every aspect of her personality. We might wish to be as pretty as her, or as talented as him, or as smart as them, but with each of the above, we are singling out one attribute, one example, one moment and elevating it above everything else. With the wish to be like them, we forget that our ability to see is limited and potentially wrong entirely.
Sure, she might be skinnier than you, but how do you know it’s not because of a painful health issue that makes her unable to gain weight?
Sure, he might be smarter than you, but how do you know it’s not because his parents make him study every moment of his life in order to feel loved by them?
Our view is limited. Our insight into people is filtered by our bias, our closeness in relationship to them, their authenticity, and their willingness to be seen. You’re so stuck looking at the one corner that you’re missing the whole picture.
Comparison costs you perspective.
2. Comparison takes you beating down or diminishing someone else in order to feel good about yourself.
We see this in the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector praying, where the pharisee prays, “Thank you, God, that I am not like other people — cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!” (Luke 18:11). In order to feel good about himself, he compared himself to someone else. “At least I’m not like them.”
The truth is that there will always be someone better than you… and worse than you! We have a choice to be like the pharisee who chose to set his sights on being better than those around him, or to be like the tax collector whose prayer was, “O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner” (Luke 18:13).
Comparison costs you relationships.
3. Comparison takes away your individuality.
Our world is weird in that we have the deepest desire to belong and fit in paired with an equally deep desire to stand out and be special. And, it’s a pattern that is not just seen in the 21st-century, western world. Paul spoke on comparison in 2 Corinthians 10:12-13:
“Oh, don’t worry; we wouldn’t dare say that we are as wonderful as these other men who tell you how important they are! But they are only comparing themselves with each other, using themselves as the standard of measurement. How ignorant!
We will not boast about things done outside our area of authority. We will boast only about what has happened within the boundaries of the work God has given us, which includes our working with you.”
In other words, Paul is saying that comparison was happening for the people in his day, “using themselves as the standard of measurement.” They were comparing themselves to each other, and it was costing them! But, verse 13 is my favorite part — boundaries come when we know who we are and who we aren’t. Paul knew what was his area of authority and what God had given him to work on, so he was free to not compare to what others’ areas of authority or tasks were.
Comparison costs you freedom.
4. Comparison takes away from your relationship with the Lord.
In that Narnia scene with Lucy and Aslan, I hear such compassion and sadness for Lucy in Aslan’s voice. I think of Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to those who are discouraged.” The Lord crafted us with such intention and care, purposefully knitting us together in our mother’s womb (Ps. 139), and yet, our prayers are filled with comparison, ridicule and discouragement. I wonder what it would look like for us to ask for the Lord’s opinion of us more than we determined for ourselves an opinion based off of comparison. I wonder how our relationships with God would change.
Paul continues on in his letter to Corinth in verse 18:
“For [it is] not [the man] who praises and commends himself who is approved and accepted, but [it is the person] whom the Lord accredits and commends.”
Comparison costs you humility and the Lord’s approval of you.
Aslan’s words to Lucy ring true: We doubt our value. And run from who we are.
Comparison costs you you.
If you want to dig a little deeper, here are some journal prompts to get you started.
Write out the circumstance or describe the person you are comparing… Is it true? Does it hold space for every nuance or complexity?
What relationship(s) is being affected by your comparison? How is it affecting it? Are you the only one who is being hurt by it? What would you say to a friend in your situation?
What are your boundaries of work that God has given specifically to you? Read Ephesians 2:8-10. What good works has God prepared beforehand for you to walk in? Are you being obedient and faithful to those works?
Sit in silence for a few minutes and ask the Lord what he thinks of you. Write down whatever comes to mind. Sometimes we have to get through what we think he might be saying before we realize what he is truly saying. After you’ve tried to listen to God by yourself, you can check out this website for some specific verses of what God thinks of you.
