Struggling as a Single Person in Ministry
The first time I remember really feeling the pang of being a single person in ministry was my sophomore year of college. This was the year I transferred universities, and I was working for a church in my new college city. It was the end of my first semester, and I was at our staff Christmas party. Of the 10 or so people on staff within ministry focus, I was the only single person. Everyone else was between their early 20’s and mid-40’s, and I was the only unmarried one.
The holiday season naturally brings people to a new level of sentimentality as we reminisce on the year we had, and we look forward to the year to come. As everyone recounted their highlight reel, telling of their recent weddings, their families and their homes, I sat very silent, my heart painted with an attitude of sadness and longing that was natural for me every time I was around married people.
For a bit of context, I have always had a strong desire to be married and enjoy a family of my own. When I picture myself at the happiest, it’s always with my husband and a baby on my hip. During high school I dated someone I assumed I would marry one day, but when I started college that dream was no longer feasible with that person. I was crushed.
Another key aspect of my story is that I grew up as the purity culture movement was easing its way out of church society. Born in 1999, the claws of the movement were releasing, and I was left with minimal damage. However, one of the main ideologies that followed me was this: that if I was to be successful in ministry, I would need to be married.
I’m on staff with Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ), a ministry working with college students all over the world. I work with students at the University of Kentucky, and there are 14 of us on my staff team. Out of those 14 people, four of us are single — the rest dating, engaged or married. Several of the college girls I spend time with are engaged, and I know several students that are married. I’ve been a bridesmaid in three of my closest friends’ weddings, and, as a recent college grad, I have also attended many other weddings. In both church small groups I’ve attended, I have been the sole single person. The circles I most often find myself in are those in which I tend to be one of few unmarried people.
Most days, the thought that I will be single for the rest of my life creeps in, and I prematurely grieve the life that I so greatly desire. As I write, I feel quite vulnerable because the most common reaction I receive from people when I start talking about these things is an eye-roll, the brushing off of my feelings. Sometimes I am told I’m worrying for no reason, that I’m only 22 and shouldn’t be so concerned, and I should “live my life before I get married.”
But, what if I never get married? What if I can never have the children I want? What if my entire life goes by, whether the next five years or 80 years, and I don’t get married?
Jesus will still be enough for me.
A truth that I’ve long wrestled with, and fought with, and sought to run from is the simple truth that no matter where I am in life — married, unmarried, with several kids or zero kids, living in the United States or overseas, working in ministry or in a corporate office job — Jesus will be enough. He will be enough to satisfy my deepest heart longings, and he will give me the strength to push on day after day. At the risk of sounding cliché, I ask that you hear me out and take to heart what I have to say, because I will probably need you to remind me of this more than I will remember it myself.
Scripture is not averse to speaking to our longings, our weary souls, or even to the things we desire but may not obtain.
“For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.” Psalm 107:9
“And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.” Isaiah 58:11
“For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.” Jeremiah 31:25
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail, and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength.” Habakkuk 3:17-19
“Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will you give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11
I am quick to look at my married co-laborers in ministry with envy. I believe the lies that they are somehow more able to do ministry than I am because of their marital status, that I won’t “arrive” to a place of true service to Christ until I’m married. But, over time, it’s become easier to sift out that thought as a lie because, for a long time, I couldn’t.
Something I’m consistently learning about comparison is that it’s a moment-by-moment surrender to Christ of what I think I want, and as I surrender, I let him remind me of truth and what he says about me.
In the Cru world, we talk a lot about a concept called spiritual breathing, and Chelsea has previously written about breath work here on the blog. You can use this concept for anything, but, as an example, here is how I would use it as I wrestle through comparison.
I “breathe out” the lies I’m believing, the sin I need to confess, the anxiety, fears and frustrations I have…
and then, I “breathe in” the truth of Scripture, what Jesus says about me, and the things I am confidently sure he is working for good in my life.
Just as many times as I breathe each day, I must choose to exhale the lies and inhale the truth because, if I meditate on the lies, I forget the perfect place that Jesus has me in to trust him more.
As a single person in ministry, I can be more available to meet the needs of students than I might be able to as a married person. I have at least three to four students over to my house during the week for dinner, a time that I would be spending with my family if I was married. I can pick up and go on trips with students without needing to find a place for my kiddos to go. I can relate to single female students as they go through breakups and hardships. The place the Lord has me is filled with promises of his presence and his satisfactory nature. As a single person in ministry, I know Jesus sits with me during dinners with students, and during phone calls with crying college kids. I know that he is with me in my singleness, and he will be with you in whatever season of your life you’re struggling to surrender, too.