Five Steps to Get Out of a Comparison Trap

Comparison is a deadly thought pattern to fall into, but it’s one that we all struggle with. Sometimes it’s obvious: “Her house is nicer than mine,” or “I wish my body looked like that.” Oftentimes, comparison is sneaky. It quietly creeps into our thoughts without announcing itself. We then slowly start to feel discouraged, frustrated, unhappy or even angry, and we can’t pinpoint why. If you take time to really reflect on what is behind those emotions, you might find comparison is to blame.

During the month of December I took a big break from social media. I still checked in occasionally, but for the most part I was off of my apps and more present in my daily life. With the busyness of the holidays and my husband and I moving into a new home, it just seemed easier to take one thing off my plate while I could.

Note: since having a social media presence is such an active part of my job, taking it out of my life was more about taking a break from that aspect of my business than it was about avoiding social media.

I didn’t feel noticeably different during my time off, but it was nice to not have to worry about it!

Then, in January I downloaded my apps again and eased back into a routine of posting and scrolling. I started to notice I was feeling much more frustrated, irritable and discouraged than I had been feeling previously. I took some time to think about what was causing this and, sure enough, my return to social media had flooded my mind with opportunities to compare my life to others’.

• We just bought a new house, so while the home decor images on Pinterest were inspiring, they also made me feel defeated and like my house wasn’t good enough.

• The annual recaps of 2021 business successes from my fellow entrepreneurs made me happy for them, but also forced me to ask myself, “Am I not doing enough? Is my business going to fail?”

• Don’t even get me started about everyone who was starting the new year off traveling to beautiful, warm locations while I was putting on my boots and warmest coat.

All of these thoughts turned what should have been a time of celebration and excitement into one that just didn’t measure up.

While I was tempted to beat myself up for feeling that way and allowing those thoughts into my mind, I knew that shaming myself wasn’t the answer. Instead, I decided to intentionally reset my habits and mind to help me get out of that comparison trap. Today I’m going to share with you my five steps to get out of a comparison trap!

1. Recognize that it’s happening

As I said before, comparison can be sneaky! That’s why the first step to getting out of the comparison trap is to identify you’re having those thoughts. Next time you notice yourself feeling irritable, frustrated, angry or discouraged (especially if it’s after time with other people or after being on social media) ask yourself if those feelings might be stemming from comparison. It won’t always be the case, but I bet it’s a contributing factor every once in a while (or more).

2. Remove the thing that is causing this feeling

Once you recognize that you’re having thoughts of comparison, try to remove yourself from the situation causing them. Social media is obviously a big culprit for many of us, and so taking a moment to put your phone down (or, for a more long term option, muting or unfollowing accounts that cause you to fall into a comparison trap). If you have a friend to whom you find yourself constantly comparing, maybe take a short break from that relationship (even just a day or two!) while you give yourself space to reset. Sometimes it might not be possible to remove the source of your comparison trap, and that’s ok! You can still complete the other steps.

3. Reflect on what is causing you to feel this way and how you can avoid that moving forward

Next, take a moment to reflect on what you are feeling. Are you really jealous of your friend’s relationship, or are you just frustrated because you aren’t feeling loved by your partner right now? (Or, because you’re currently single!) Are you upset because someone else got a new job, or are you unhappy in your own job and wish you could also make a change? Do you really care that her house is bigger than yours, or are you just feeling that way because society often tells us that “bigger is better?”

My point is this, sometimes we can start to feel down on ourselves about things that aren’t actually upsetting us! For example, when I started feeling envious of the bigger, nicer houses I saw on Pinterest, I reminded myself that I didn’t actually want that house! It would be a lot of work to clean, it wasn’t in a place I wanted to live, and working more to afford a bigger house was outside of my current goals. Here I was feeling bad about not having something that I didn’t actually want… which leads me to the next step.

4. Realign with who you are and what YOU want

It’s no secret that gratitude is an amazing way to combat comparison. When we intentionally practice gratitude for what we have, and also refocus on what we want, it is a powerful combination! That’s why the next step is to list out 5-10 things that you are grateful for or proud of. Remind yourself of all the goodness that is in your life, and take a moment to thank God for blessing you in those ways.

Then, write out a few sentences or paragraphs about what you truly want. What are your values? What are your goals? What are the changes you are hoping to make in your life? Don’t be influenced by other people’s values and goals. Be honest and only write down what you feel the Lord has placed on your heart.

5. Reclaim your worth

Now that you have intentionally processed through your feelings of comparison and realigned with what you truly value and desire, it’s time to reclaim your value and worth by choosing to not let feelings of comparison overwhelm you anymore. (As much as you can, of course. No one is perfect, and thoughts of comparison will continue to pop up now and again!) To help me with this, I love to think on something Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

When I find myself questioning my value, I remind myself that simply because someone else has something I don't, it doesn't detract from my value at all! As long as I continue to find my identity in God, and claim my worth every day, then feelings of comparison and insecurity will no longer have a hold on me.

I hope these five steps (Recognize, Remove, Reflect, Realign and Reclaim) help you the next time you find yourself falling into a comparison trap. They have certainly helped me, and I trust it will do the same for you! Which step do you think will be most helpful for you? Leave a comment below to let me know!