Trusting God in the Waiting

These past few years have been an absolute whirlwind, to say the least. If you had told my 20-year-old self that by the age of 24 I’d be married and living on the other side of the world, I genuinely would have laughed. But the journey God has taken me on to get to where I am now is something I have on my heart to share with this sweet little community. 

2017 was the year my world shifted dramatically. I was working as a preschool teacher in Australia, which is where I’m from. Nothing was necessarily wrong, I just felt really uneasy in my job and really ready to take on something new. I wanted to travel and experience new wonders (hello enneagram 7!!!) while also working, but didn’t know where or how to combine the two. One afternoon I was inside doing some clean up while everyone else was outside and God placed the words, ‘summer camps’ on my heart. I don’t know if you've ever had a moment in your life where you just know with every fiber of your being that God is calling you to big things, but friends, this was one of those moments! I went home that night and applied through a company called CCUSA. 3 months later I found myself in Nebraska, ready to serve God with everything I had. If you want to read more about my summer camp experience I have written a post on my blog, I will link it for you here:

It was my second day in NE when I was asked to go to a grad party for one of my friends I was going to be working with over the summer. We don’t have grad parties in Australia, so the idea of experiencing something like that was really cool to me. 

I walked in congratulating my friend, while also meeting her for the first time in her parents’ house. I started talking to a few people and then I saw Gideon. I’m actually not joking when I say this felt like a scene straight out of a movie. Everyone parted as he appeared and began to walk closer to me. My jaw literally dropped when I saw him and the dialogue in my head began: “God, I am here for you and you only. I’m not here to meet boys”. Gideon and I talked for about 20 minutes. 

I came back to God “But God if you want to orchestrate something, I won’t be opposed”. Haha. 

Gideon and I spent the summer of 2017 falling in love and I honestly it was the greatest summer of my life. 

We then began the journey of long-distance. We spent our first 3 months apart, then Gideon came out in December 2017 and proposed. He stayed in Australia with me for 2 months, went home and came back out again in May 2018 for 2 weeks. We applied for a fiancé visa at the end of February 2018 and let me tell you the journey that followed that application was something I never could have prepared my heart for.

I’m not trying to be dramatic when I say this, but 2018 was hands down the hardest year of my life. Amidst wrapping my head around leaving my family, friends and everything I’ve known + felt comfortable with, I was away from Gideon with no real timeline of when I was going to see him again or when we were going to get married because it was all in the hands of the government. My mum was also getting married, her fiancé was in the process of moving in, I was trying to deal with new family dynamics, navigating how to be happy for my mum as she fell in love with another man while dealing with still grieving over my dad who had passed away when I was 16 AND also having to quit my full-time job because my anxiety was at an all-time high. There was so much change happening with no real concrete end. I spent a lot of this year suffering from bad panic attacks, crying every night, praying on my knees to God to allow peace and for my visa to be approved. Life was messy and I was stuck in the waiting of the  unknown. For someone who loves spontaneity, I was feeling desperate for stability. 

Let me give you a little bit of back story about how the visa process works…

When you apply for a fiance visa they give you a timeline of around 6 months, give or take, for everything to be approved. Our application was reviewed and we heard back from the consulate saying they received our application. That was it. For 6 months we heard nothing. We spent most of this time in the dark unable to make any plans for a wedding because a part of the fiance visa process is that once I received my visa, we had a total of 90 days to get married once I entered the US. 

It was August and our timeline for the estimated date for application approval had passed. At this point, I was extremely defeated. It had been 3 months since Gideon and I had seen each other. We spoke about him coming out to Australia again if we didn’t hear anything back from the consulate by a specific date. I remember our conversation SO clearly, I wanted to see Gideon so bad but God told us both no. My heart sank and shattered into a million tiny pieces. I couldn’t understand why my visa wasn’t getting approved and why I couldn’t see Gideon. At this point I was really starting to prepare my heart to move countries, my stuff was getting packed in boxes and I was selling what I could. My life was so up in the air and I had no idea what God was doing. 

A few weeks had passed and I went down to Bateau Bay Beach, AKA my happy place. It was such a beautiful spring day. I remember having a little phone call with Gideon and then some God time straight after. This was what I wrote from that time:

This is Bateau Bay Beach. My happy place, the place I surrendered everything about waiting for my visa.

“It has been over 6 months now since we have submitted all of our paperwork and still haven’t heard anything back. About a month ago Gideon and I were talking about him possibly making another trip out to Australia to spend some time together. We were both praying hard because we are right in the estimated time frame for our visa to progress to the next stage. We came together on a video call and God gave us both a “no”. My heart shattered. I’m not going to lie, obedience to God in that moment was really hard for me. I questioned. We are now mid September, still completely in the dark about when our visa is going to come, let alone when we can even see each other again. I just couldn’t understand why God told us no.”

I just wanted an answer. I went down to the beach and opened up “Everybody Always” by Bob Goff. In this particular chapter, he was talking about how he went blind in one eye. He has had multiple operations and each time he asks his eye doctor how much he will be able to see after the operation. Her reply every time is “You’re going to see more”. At first, he said he didn’t understand, he continues... “I wanted a prognosis for my eye, but instead she gave me something far better. I got a promise from someone I trust and a reminder about my life.” The next line was my answer from God. It was a slap in the face, a sit-down and “humble yourself Bethany” moment. I have these way too often! Here it is...

“It’s the same promise God gives us every day. We want God to tell us all the details, but all we usually get is a promise that we’ll see more of Him if we look in the right places.” God has given me a huge promise and reminds me every day that He hasn’t forgotten about it. This one is definitely a ‘You’ll see more’ progressive kind of promise. He is a good, good Father and meets us where we are at with no judgment and open arms ready to guide us in the right direction. What a season, hey? So much hurt, so much goodness, so many lessons!”

Guys, I don’t know if it was the fact that I was finally feeling at peace in the waiting or that my heart really opened up to the idea of trusting God completely in this last stint but the next day, THE NEXT FREAKING DAY, Gideon called me at around 7:30 in the morning, which was night for him, and told me that OUR CASE HAD BEEN APPROVED. I can’t tell you the emotions that ran through my body during this time, I’m getting emotional just writing about it now. We had a lot of appointments, more paperwork, more money, and an interview ahead of us but I knew it was all going to turn out because God never failed us during our wait and He wasn’t about to now. 

The day I received my visa in the mail. After waiting so long I couldn’t stop smiling, crying and thanking Jesus that it was finally here.

I had my interview in late November of 2018 and I literally sobbed when my interviewer told me my visa had officially and finally been approved. It felt like the biggest weight had been lifted off my shoulders. After our longest stint apart of 6 and a half months, I was finally able to properly pack all of my belongings and start my life with Gideon! 

The journey that was 2018, as I said earlier, was the hardest year of my life! But friends, it was also the most beautiful. As I reflected then, and still often reflect on that year, I always find myself teary-eyed with a heart full of gratitude. While this was the year of an infinite amount of change, uncertainty, instability, trusting God in the unknowns and trying to find peace amidst a storm that seemed to keep building from every angle and surrounding me until I felt suffocated. It was also the year that my relationship with God went to a whole new level. I found myself spending so much time with God and seeking Him in everything I did because for a lot of that year He was the one thing that never changed, He was constant, He was steadfast and He was my rock. There is no way I could have endured that year without Him and the beautiful truths He continued to weave into my heart, despite my doubt, throughout the waiting is something that I will never forget. I honestly feel overwhelmed that I get to experience such a beautiful relationship with Him every day. 

Despite your circumstances, your heartache, your hurt, your doubt, your fear — He is ALWAYS with you, willing and wanting to help you navigate whatever life throws at you. He is the only one that can make beauty from ashes. 

I’m not a perfect Christian and there is no way I am trying to be. While I said I spent most of that year with God, a lot of it was also spent blaming, questioning and yelling at Him too. God created us with so much intricacy, He knows what we can and can’t handle. He is also very aware of our human condition and the sin nature that occurs in all of us. Was it right of me to yell at God or doubt Him when things weren’t going my way? No. But it was in those times that He used my circumstances, postured my heart towards Him and gave me peace despite the things I was facing. There were a lot of tears, apologies and humble yourself moments for me that year but I am thankful for every single one of them. God uses these moments to help us grow, learn and ultimately become more and more like Him. 

I don’t know what kind of season you are in right now. Maybe things are going really well, maybe you’re waiting like I had to, maybe your heart is breaking or maybe you feel directionless — no matter what your circumstance is I want to encourage you to surrender. Surrender everything you have and let God do the rest. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried to do things on my own and carry a load that is too heavy for me. Every time I do, I feel exhausted, weighed down and completely defeated. Give it to God. You have a King waiting for you with open arms ready to wrap you in complete love, the kind of love that makes your heart dance and sets your soul on fire. Learn to let go, embrace the process and trust in God’s perfect timing because I promise you, He is never, ever going to let you down or leave you. 

Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

This was at our engagement party in Australia.

This was the first time we saw each other after 6 and a half months apart. This was the day we kissed long distance goodbye and it felt amaaaaazing!