How to Practice Intentionality in Marriage
I remember before I got married, I would ask already married friends how marriage was going for them. The most common response was, “It’s so good and so hard-- in a good way!” I was always confused by this...until I myself was giving the same response when asked that same question post-marriage. But why is it hard in a good way? Let’s unpack this concept.
Being intentional in life and marriage can be a challenge. According to dictionary.com, intention is defined as “an act or instance of determining mentally upon some action or result.” To me, this simply comes down to deciding to make a choice. Choosing is a gift we have been given for better or for worse. Being intentional in life, relationships, health, and anything else just doesn’t happen; it’s not accidental. We have to commit to it. This is where I think the “hard in a good way” comes into play.
Choosing to be intentional isn’t our default. It’s much easier to mentally check out, even if you are present physically, after a long day or even when there are difficult conversations to be had. In marriage, you're so intertwined and have to challenge one another to not slink away from the hard, but lean in and work through it. If you work together, make space for intentionality, and come out united on the other side of “hard,” it is so good and so sweet. It’s our call to refine one another, point out where we can grow, encourage when it gets rough, and ultimately, become more like Christ through it all.
I will admit, I find myself having to re-commit to being intentional. Whether that’s through acts of service, setting aside quality time together, or taking part in hobbies that I might not love but Ben does. I am convicted right now, even just writing this, at how I could be better at this! It can be challenging to always be engaged with one another in your marriage, but when you commit to focus on intentionality, the good stuff starts to happen.
A bit of our story...
Ben and I chose not to live together until we were married and I love that we didn’t! Some may think, “How could you not?! Don’t you want to know his worst qualities before you seal the deal?” My answer is simply, no. As Christians, we didn’t believe living together was even an option because of our pursuit of sexual purity, but also because we knew that any qualities we could only learn through cohabitation weren’t “deal breakers.” With that, though, comes the adjustment to living together.
At first, it was so exciting waiting for him to get home so we could spend time with one another in the evening. That feeling of excitement and even butterflies, I am happy to say, is very much still there, but not every afternoon. Responsibilities, activities, distractions, and life just get in the way. After almost 4 years of marriage, things start to get familiar. It’s easy to slip into a pattern of strolling into our basement and watching episode after episode, not sharing more than a few words with one another for hours. I’m not saying that this is always bad or that we never do it! As time has gone on, we’ve just had to invest in being more purposeful with our marriage and time together.
Whether you’ve been married for 2 days or 20 years, there is always room to grow in your intentionality with your spouse. Below I outlined a few ways you and your spouse can be more intentional with one another. Try to incorporate these ideas into your marriage together and I am confident you will see the fruits of your labor. I know Ben and I have seen growth when we implement them and I hope you do too!
Designate a date night
Setting aside a weekly or bi-weekly night for just the two of you to be together is important. If you have children, try and get consistent with a babysitter and plan these dates in advance. We all know plans change, but try and stick to it. Also, this doesn’t always have to be dinner at a fancy restaurant. Get creative! I give some date ideas below.
Set Boundaries
I’ve learned in the past year that setting boundaries in relationships is healthy. It provides emotional protection and creates a level of respect for each party. This is also true in your marriage to an extent. A few boundaries that we’ve set in place are:
Ground-rule #1: No TV on the main floor. We mindfully designed our home with health and wellbeing in mind. One vow we made from day one of our marriage was to never have a TV in our bedroom. We do occasionally watch entertainment on our laptop, but I argue that that’s less mindless than turning on the TV and falling asleep to it every single night. Making this a habit can put a divide between you and cause you to disengage in a space that is meant for intimacy and connection.
Ground-rule #2: Social media check-ins. For my job, I connect with many people virtually and social media is a great outlet to do that. I have to admit that I get caught up in it at times, but Ben is really good about asking if I am on it for work or using it as an escape. Most of the time, it’s mindless scrolling and it interferes with our time together. Therefore, set a 5 minute timer, scroll for a bit, then set your phone aside.
Ground-rule #3: No phones at dinner. We definitely don’t do this every night, but when things get busy this is a great way to take a step back and be present with one another. Turn on your Do not disturb or Airplane mode and just enjoy dinner together as a family. That way there are no distractions to take you away from your time together.
Ground-rule #4: No phones in the bedroom. Buy some old-fashioned alarm clocks and make the bedroom a special place. Many studies out there show that screen time before bedtime is not good. Designate a charging station elsewhere for your electronics and snuggle into bed with a good book or cup of tea. However you wind down, disconnect from your phone so you can reconnect with your spouse.
Date one another
I am sure you’ve heard the phrase “date your spouse,” but are you truly following it? I think back to college when we were dating and all the free and cost-effective dates we went on. Boy, there were a lot! Those were some of my favorite memories and, well, why not create more of those! Outdoor activities, board games or puzzles, cooking dinner together, free concerts in the park, hiking, walking, biking, coffee dates, the list goes on. Another part of dating one another is to celebrate special occasions as well as milestones, big and small. Whether that is anniversaries or birthdays, promotions or successes at work, paying off debt, or taking one step closer to bringing your dream into reality, they are all worth celebrating.
Make lists of conversation topics
Maybe this is just because I am type-A and enjoy making lists or because I can easily forget what we need to talk about, but this has helped us have focused and direct conversation on important topics. It’s simple. We have a shared note called conversations and add topics we would like to discuss together. If anything is time sensitive, add a reminder.
Quality Time
This might be my last tip, but probably the most crucial. Quality time together will help you connect deeper and grow closer to one another. Good things take time and marriage is not unique in that theory. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, says, “Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person.” I fully agree and one way you can spend time together, spur on good conversations, and grow closer to one another is by reading a book simultaneously.
“Quality time does not mean that we have to spend our together moments gazing into each other’s eyes. It means that we are doing something together and that we are giving our full attention to the other person.”
- Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Here are a few of our favorite books:
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
Disciplines of a Godly Man/Woman by R. Kent Hughes/ Barbara Hughes
You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity by Francis and Lisa Chan
Love Does by Bob Goff
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat
The Mingling of Souls: God's Design for Love, Sex, Marriage, and Redemption by Matt Chandler
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
I pray these tips help strengthen your marriage, draw you closer to one another, and encourage you to invest more deeply in your moments together, all while being intentional through it all. I would love to hear how you and your spouse strive to keep things purposeful. Please share in the comments! Until next time…
xoxo,
Paulina
