Can We Be Friends? making friends as an adult
People don’t warn you how hard it can be to make friends as an adult, how much riskier it can feel to start a conversation with someone when you don’t even have the same school or church in common. I have always been the girl that makes friends easily and has lots of friends, so I didn’t anticipate how hard and lonely it would feel when almost all of my people were thousands of miles away. I didn’t anticipate how maybe it wasn’t me that was good at making friends, but rather that I was just always in situations where it was easy to meet people.
To be fully honest, since moving and trying to make new friends, I have never felt more lonely, more insecure, more anxious and more shy. It seemed like everyone already had their people. Then, after lots of conversations with Jesus and my roommates, I realized that most people are just like me. There are far less people who don’t want new friends than those who do. Or, let me say it this way: you are way more likely to meet someone who wants to be your friend than to meet someone who doesn’t.
Remember when you were little and making friends was as simple as including the new kid on the playground into your make-believe game? You didn’t need to know their name or age or what they did or who their family was. You were just friends! Simple as that.
Then you grew up, and suddenly there was so much more to the story. I think we, as humans, tend to over-complicate most things, and, honestly, making friends is no different. We all want to have friends, and when we remember that the majority of people are also desperate to be liked, it takes the pressure off.
So, to be really practical and go back to the simple playground days, these are some tips that really helped me, and I’m praying they can also help you!
Grieve. “Um, Alicia, isn’t this supposed to be uplifting and encouraging?” Yes! It is… but, honestly, this is something that I wish I had done better. Whenever you’re making friends, there is a lot that can come with it. If you’re like me and you’re suddenly trying to rebuild a community after moving, this is especially necessary. If you’re just ready to meet new people and add to your already existing community, it might not be as important for you (but I still think it’s important ☺). I had to grieve the friends I used to have, the life I used to have, and the ease with which friendship occurred. Getting older means having more responsibilities and needing more sleep, and I can’t really drop everything to go make a coffee run at midnight anymore - and I’m hardly ever awake at midnight anymore anyway. I needed to make space and give myself permission to grieve the way that friendship used to look in my life. This gave me room to welcome in a new season and new friendship. Just because it looks different doesn’t mean it isn’t good!
Embrace the nerves. Whenever you’re on the hunt for new friends, there can be an aspect of fear, anxiety, nerves – What if they don’t like me? What if they don’t want any new friends? And, that’s why I say embrace it because, unfortunately, being human isn’t as simple as being able to just tell yourself to stop feeling something. If you keep running from it, you’ll probably keep running from friends, too. The nerves are there, but they don’t control you. Embrace it. Use it! This past week I went to an event with one of my roommates, and we were actively trying to meet friends. We started talking with a couple girls standing in line and then… the line ended. So, I embraced my nerves and said, “Hey, are you guys meeting people here? Would it be okay if we hung out with you guys? We don’t know anyone else here.” And, guess what their response was? “Same!” (Remember, most people are just like you!)
Be a friend. I’ve heard it said before that if you want to be interesting, then be interested. I love that! When you walk into a room, are you the person who is more concerned with who sees you or who you see? If you want people to be kind to you, are you kind to others? If you want someone to be truthful with you, are you truthful with others? If you want friendship to last, do you put the effort in to make it last? If you want friends, then be the one to start the conversation. If you enjoyed the conversation, then be the one to ask for their info to hang out again. As cliché as it may be, be the friend with whom you want to be friends. The word friend actually comes from the Old English word “freond,” which is from the root word which means “to love and honor.” Sounds awfully biblical to me. ☺ I really believe that when we interact with people with the intent to love and honor them, friendship comes naturally.
Make it real! Last step – this one may feel like the biggest risk of all, but it’s also the one that is most needed. In order to go from an acquaintance, “I met them one time,” to a real friend, “come to my birthday,” we need to take the jump and get their info. Making friends doesn’t have to be weird because you aren’t weird! I promise if you reverse roles, and someone were to do it to you, wouldn’t you feel so special and excited that someone wanted to see you again? Be the friend you’d want to have! So, what about those girls I met last week? As I was leaving I said, “Hi. I’ve really liked chatting with you guys. Can we be real friends and exchange phone numbers?” Here’s my proof!
Friends, making friends can be hard and anxiety provoking, and it is risky! But, you were made for it.
You were made for connection. God himself is a community in the Trinity, and we were made in his image, so it makes sense that community is something we all crave. The very first thing that God said wasn’t good was the fact that Adam was alone (Gen. 2:18). So, if that is what God declared not good, then wouldn’t it just make sense logically for one of the main things for the enemy to attack would be our community?
If you were made for community, and it is not good for you to be alone, then why wouldn’t Satan be in the business of making it harder than it should be to make and keep friendship? Why wouldn’t he attack the very thing that imitates the triune God we serve?
Until recently, I hadn’t thought of making friends as an active way of fighting our enemy and building God’s kingdom, but it is. Because, when we are in relationship, we are better. Relationships can be so hard and uncomfortable, but they also are life giving and character building. They take work and are a risk, but, when we commit, I really do believe that it makes us better in the end.
And, the best part of all, the Bible says that God calls us friend. So, really, how hard can it be to get another? ☺
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