Psalm 16 & Creating Healthy Boundaries
In the church there can be an unspoken belief that boundaries are only okay in theory, but not in practicality. And then, I’m sure we can all think of people whose so-called boundaries were just an excuse to cut people out and build walls. In the search for boundaries, it can be all too easy to swing from either side of the extremes.
Psalm 16:6 says, “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.”
The first time I acknowledged this verse was when my old mentor shared it with me. She was explaining that for her, having strong boundaries actually increases her ability to enjoy freedom. Over the years, that conversation with her and that verse have repeatedly run through my mind and helped me as I begin to explore what it looks like to be an adult and take ownership of my life.
It’s one thing to be in high school and have your boundaries set for you by your parents, your school, your age, and even the government. It’s entirely another thing to be “of age” and suddenly entirely responsible for each decision you make. It’s no wonder most teenagers leave their Christian faith when they move to college, since their previous boundaries were removed.
The thing about boundaries is that in order for them to be effective they must be chosen by you.
I could tell you every day what healthy boundaries look like for you, but at the end of the day, you are the one living your life, not me. At the end of the day, you will stand before God and be held responsible for every decision, or lack thereof, that you’ve made.
2 Timothy 1:7 says that God has not given you a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and sound mind – or self control.
You have power.
You have love.
You have control.
Some of us need to remember that we have power, and some of us need to remember from where that power comes. A hesitancy I feel toward the topic of boundaries is that people will build walls and become hard and unwilling to grow. For some of us, saying no is the struggle in itself. For others, we have to remember that just because we can say no doesn’t mean no is always the right answer.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
The Church is designed for community to come alongside each other helping, supporting, and encouraging each other. Sometimes that means a sacrifice and surrendering our own desires, needs or preferences. There is a time that not only is no not the right answer, but it’s actually a sinful one. Having boundaries helps to determine when, why, where, and what the answer should be. Because Galatians actually goes on to say only three verses later, “For each will have to bear his own load” (6:5).
So, Alicia, you’re saying that I’m supposed to bear others’ burdens, but also not carry them
because we each have to bear our own load? #confused
I’m a firm believer in going back to the original language to help bring understanding, so buckle in for a quick lesson in Greek. In verse two, the original word for burden is “baros,” and in verse 5 the original word for load is “phortion.” Baros means turmoil, trouble, excess, or not able to be carried on its own, like a massive boulder that needs to be carried with others. Phortion means task, cargo, or daily toil.
In other words, we are to be available to help carry the unexpected, circumstantial weight of living in a broken world. But, we are each responsible for taking up our own cross, having our own boundaries, keeping our own commitments, etc.
So, how do we do this? It’s actually really simple. It always comes back to identity.
When we know who we are, we know what we are to do.
If my identity is student, then my task is to learn.
If my identity is servant, then my task is to do what’s asked of me.
If my identity is friend, then my task is to be a good friend.
If my identity is daughter, then my task is to trust my Father and to be loved, protected and held.
In the book Boundaries written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend — a couple psychologists who are believers — they say, “Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out. It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t. We can’t do everything.”
A simple question that I highly encourage incorporating into your daily life is asking yourself, “What is my role?”
When we are clear on our own roles, we find freedom to say yes or no, create boundaries or
loosen them, etc.
Some helpful areas that I would encourage you to determine your role, and therefore your
boundaries, in are:
Emotional
Who are the people that are not only safe, but also helpful for me to share with?
Who can I trust to tell me what I need to hear, not just what I want to hear?
Are there specific times that I need to be careful of because I am more prone to share more than I want to? (i.e. I’m more likely to overshare at night when I’m tired, so I’m going to turn off my phone to help me avoid texting someone more than I want to.)
Are there certain areas of my life that I am more sensitive to or triggered by? I need to be aware of my tendencies and patterns.
Does the way I treat and interact with my own feelings and emotions show others how to treat me?
Spiritual
Do I believe the Bible is true? (i.e. If the Bible says no, even if I don’t like it, will I stand by its boundary or create my own?)
Am I willing to do what the Bible says, even when it stretches me or makes me uncomfortable?
Are there certain topics I need to be careful talking about with certain people?
Have I talked with the Lord about this as much as I have talked to others?
How much or little have I prayed about this?
Do I have enough space to actually hear the Lord when he speaks?
Does the way I care for my spiritual health and relationship with God show others how to care for me?
Physical
Am I caring for my body in a way that honors the way God made me?
Do I go to sleep with enough time for it to be restorative?
Do I choose foods that heal and help me or only what sounds good?
Am I respecting my body in the places I go, the choices I make, and the people I surround myself with?
Am I keeping the Sabbath holy and honoring the gift of rest?
Does the way I treat my body show others how to treat my body?
If you feel you would benefit from learning more about how to create healthy boundaries in these areas, then we’d love to invite you to check out The Stand Unshaken Collective - an online library full of faith-based wellness resources including workouts, biblical meditations, breath prayers, daily devotionals and more!
Whether or not we’re aware of it, we are always saying something. Make sure you are meaning to say what you’re saying.
Boundaries are meant to be pleasant and create more space for freedom. If your boundaries are not doing that, then check in with some trusted people who love and are seeking after the Lord to see what they think. Boundaries are difficult to choose, set and maintain — especially when you’re doing it alone! So, don’t.
If you don’t have people like this, join us in the Stand Unshaken Collective! We’d love to have you there. Click on the button below to find out more about the SU Collective.
