How To Overcome Jealousy and Support Other Women
“Wow, she’s really talented. She’s way better than me at this. I’ll never be that successful. Look how many followers she has! She just tried the same idea I’ve had but hers turned out better than mine. She probably doesn’t have the same struggles and insecurities I do. How is her life so perfect?! I should just stop trying because I’ll never compare.”
Have you ever found yourself scrolling Instagram with this narrative running through your head? I’ll be the first to raise my hand and admit that I’m totally guilty of falling into this trap, more often than I’d wish.
Insecurity is a deep, lifelong pain point of mine. I often find myself trying to measure up to others, comparing myself with people I admire and constantly feeling inferior. I struggle to believe my worth and value, and this causes tension not only within myself, but also between me and the people I love.
So why is this habit of faulty thinking so difficult to break? And how can we begin to change our perspective? In the age of women’s empowerment, why is it so hard to look beyond ourselves and truly support other women?
Here are 5 simple strategies that are helping me to find freedom and approach relationships with other women in an attitude of love instead of fear.
1. Recognize unhealthy agreements you’ve made and choose to break them.
My counselor often refers to the lies we believe as “agreements” we make that simply aren’t true. For me, one painful agreement I’ve made since childhood is, “I’m disposable, unimportant to others, and unworthy of love. If someone is upset with me for any reason, they must hate who I am. Therefore I need to make up for my inadequacy by making myself needed and flawlessly kind. I must always sacrifice my own desires (otherwise I’m selfish) and go along with what others want or else they won’t like me — and therefore, they won’t love me.”
Sound familiar? (If you happen to be an enneagram type 2 like me, you’re probably 100% relating right now.) Whatever your agreements may be — and they can take all kinds of shapes and forms — they always boil down to beliefs about who you are that are simply untrue. So take time to search your heart and recognize what pierces you with a sense of insecurity or shame. Name that agreement and start replacing those statements with truth.
For example, I often need to remind myself, “I am loved by others and myself. I am worthy of relationship. I am valuable because of who I am, not what I do. Not everyone will like me, and that’s okay. I am God’s beloved, and his opinion is the only one that matters.”
2. Set essential boundaries.
Social media can be a blessing and a curse. It has brought me beautiful friendships and incredible experiences, but it has also been an easy pathway to the comparison trap. I’ve learned over the years how important it is to find balance. If I notice myself getting lost in Instagram, mindlessly scrolling, and falling into unhealthy thought patterns, I know I need to do something differently.
Sometimes it means taking a break from social media, setting time limits, or even muting or unfollowing people to break away from obsessing over their lives. I notice when I’m setting boundaries and protecting my energy and time, I feel much healthier.
3. Practice imagination and empathy.
We all know that social media only captures a snippet of our lives — and it was never meant to replace real relationships with people — but for some reason it’s so easy to forget about the stuff that people don’t show.
Take a look at what you’ve posted about on Instagram recently. Maybe photos from a past trip, information about projects you’re working on, or a story about you and your significant other. Then think back to what might have happened behind the scenes.
Maybe you shared the photo from the mountaintop in Hawaii, but you didn’t post about the stressful rush through the airport and missing your flight which cost you hundreds of dollars. Maybe you posted about the launch of your new blog, but you didn’t share the months of hard work and the cry sessions you had when you doubted yourself. Maybe you shared a pretty wedding photo, but you didn’t post about the argument you and your husband got in yesterday about your finances.
Whatever it is, there’s always more to the story. Using imagination and practicing empathy keeps me from seeing people as one-note or accepting the Instagram facade as the measure of someone’s entire experience. We all have hidden pains and joys and fears and private moments and personal struggles and things that no one else will ever see. I try to remind myself of that whenever I find myself believing that someone is perfect. We’re all in the same boat, y’all.
4. Choose a “blue ocean” worldview.
The idea of “red ocean vs. blue ocean” is a popular one in the business and marketing world. Red oceans are defined, with limited resources, opportunities, and clients. Competition is aggressive and cutthroat, turning the ocean bloody red. In stark contrast, blue oceans are vast, nearly unlimited, and largely unexplored. There are plenty of opportunities and new things to discover, and there is enough room for everyone.
I believe this worldview is applicable in nearly any situation. The more you operate based out of fear and comparison, believing that there are a limited number of opportunities in the world and that someone else’s success means there’s less out there for you, the more this false mindset keeps you from achieving your potential (and experiencing freedom).
But if instead you choose to view the ocean as blue, you’ll find that there is room for you AND everyone else. Even if you are pursuing or passionate about similar things, you are each swimming in your own lanes and there are gifts you possess that no one else has. YOU are inherently unique, and the world needs you to show up in the ways that only you can.
It’s something I find myself repeating constantly: Other people’s value does not decrease your value.
So if I start down the rabbit trail of comparison, I stop myself and choose to actively PRAY for that person. I start asking God for success and joy and fulfillment in her life. And instantly my heart shifts. I feel at peace and I trust that if there is enough for her, there is enough for me too. And I don’t have to worry.
5. CELEBRATE others!
Remember that in the end, feelings follow action. Even if it seems uncomfortable, actively choosing to celebrate other women — sharing about their success on social media, sending a congratulations text, speaking well of them, partnering with them — will quickly free you from feeling as though you are their competitor. It will bring more friendships into your life and even potential collaborators.
We are, after all, better together, and when we link arms and support each other as women, we’ll find the world a brighter, more beautiful place, and our own hearts full of contentment and satisfaction.
Cheering you on today, friend!
xo, Kailyn
PS. How are you learning and growing in this area? What strategies help you find freedom from jealousy and comparison? Share your thoughts in the comments!
